The Gown Student Newspaper at Queen's University Belfast

COLUMN: News through tinted glasses

This week I have decided to take a different tact, venturing into the world of politics. Probably not a good idea,  and I should probably stick to my specialist subject, celebrity scandal, particularly those involving affairs. However, the focus of my attentions are the impending Prime Ministerial debates between Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems (yes, the Lib Dems).

BY DANIEL HENDRY

These debates will be televised and will be an excellent opportunity for the nation to decide which party is the least corrupt, smarmy and general pain in the rear end. There will be three live debates, each 90 minutes in length, which is time that could be spent enjoying a good old football match. Unless you’re a Liverpool fan, then these ‘lively’, ‘gripping’ talks on politics will be a welcome distraction from watching football akin to that of watching paint dry.
Each debate will deal with a number of specific issues, including the economy and foreign affairs. Exciting stuff I know, but what about the true burning issues of the day, such as ‘Is Lady Gaga a man?’ or ‘Has Kerry Katona eaten the population of Iceland?’ These are the real issues that politicians are shying away from, but there is one man who stands above the rest, the man who Britain needs. He is, Lembit Opik who is a Northern Irishman coincidentally, despite his rather extravagant name. Any politician who can pull a ‘Cheeky Girl’ commands my respect and lets not forget about his relations with weather-goddess Sian Lloyd. His credentials are unquestioned, although I know Lembit’s rise to power is as likely as Nick Griffin winning a MOBO.
Audiences at these debates are to be restricted in terms of applause and participation. This is not the way to attract people into politics. Instead, what is needed is a football atmosphere. We need the crowd chanting ‘Gordon, you fat (fill the blank)!’, ‘David Cameron is a banker’ and ‘Clegg, seriously, what are you doing here?’ Or David Dimbleby intervening in an all-out brawl between the men, reminiscent of a scene from Jerry Springer. The three leaders should engage in other events and challenges, including a Fifa Xbox360 competition, rock, paper, scissors contest and even an arm-wrestling challenge. Now, that is something I would watch!
So to conclude, good luck to the three challengers. Who will win? As Harry Hill eloquently puts it, there is only one way to find out… FIGHT!

Tags: Daniel Hendry, Gown, News through tinted glasses, newspaper, qub, Queen's, queen's university, student, students, The Gown

This entry was posted on Friday, March 12th, 2010 at 4:55 pm and is filed under Features. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.