SU President Shane Brogan has declared a ballot for immediate student strike action, citing funding cuts, ludicrous high-end expenses payouts to QUB bosses, coupled with persistent Russell Group deviousness over the cap on fees. Although strike action is forbidden in the Union’s constitution, Brogan told The Gown, “I just don’t give a shit anymore.”

BY RUPERT FURCOCH

UPDATE: April Fool

“This is it – this is finally it,” declared Brogan from his rarely-used ceremonial office throne. “Lilly’s locked in a cupboard, Duffy’s occupied with crayons, Laura has been sedated, Gareth’s at the UHC having his bedwetting seen to, Susan’s out of the picture and Paul is…somewhere, possibly.”

Dismissing The Gown’s concerned glance at the bloodied pulp of esteemed bean-counter-in-chief Andrew Dodge, half-rolled in a reeking ex-Speakeasy carpet, Brogan laughed nervously, yammering, “Some sacrifices must be made for the successful student revolution.”

“Apathy will be tamed. Gregson will be humiliated. The malodorous gurnings of the Socialist Society will be skilfully outflanked from the left. I will lead the students in the vanguard of the dissolution of the Northern Irish bourgeoisie. The bourgeoisie that doesn’t study here, I mean.”

As The Gown stepped slowly back from the office (before breaking into a run on the stairs), President Brogan began burning all office papers bearing the words “review”, “committee” and “policy”, giggling all the while.

The Gown’s Brendan Hughes will be live blogging Brogan’s imminent student-led insurrection.