The Gown Student Newspaper at Queen's University Belfast

NEWS: Russell Group settles on new fees call

The influential Russell Group of leading research intensive universities (of which QUB is the token Norn Iron dunce) has settled on a controversial new fees demand, centred on a “shared future devoid of money worries.”

BY WALLY BOLSAK

UPDATE: April Fool.

Russell Group Director of Sterling Harvesting, Liza Lucre, stated today that the annual demand will be “one pound of flesh” extracted over 20 years. The payment method will be restructured, moving from interest-free loans to sharpened teaspoons.

NUS head honcho Wes Streeting condemned the plans, stating, “Students are entitled to their own flesh. The NUS will be lobbying backbench Labour MPs to de-rail this dystopian nonsense.”

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson, who has responsibility for higher education policy, was more equivocal. “Students must make some real sacrifices to help achieve institutional excellence in our high-tech, high-fat economy.”
Mandelson denied rumours that his visit to Satan’s Mediterranean yacht would influence any decision, deeming rumours about his inherent evil “wicked and devilish defamation.”

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